Sharp Instruments – A Buyer’s Guide

Chances are, if you’re looking for a sharp instrument in an American lodge, your fingers will close round the compasses. Handy tools, these – they have their geometrical uses as well as being equipped with a sharp point (and a back-up) and discriminating S:. D:.’s in the United States make use of them frequently. I’m told that in Europe, however, the lodges are supplied with actual daggers. This custom positively reeks of Old World elegance while simultaneously exuding a seriously We Mean Business attitude not found in draughtsman’s tools. Why the dagger is no longer in widespread practice on these shores remains a mystery to me, but I suspect it’s related to why most lodge rooms are brilliantly lighted, like high school gymnasiums, carpeted with blue shag, and have all the ambiance of the Ness City bus station. It’s e-a-s-i-e-r.

Be that as it may, I’ve also noticed that some S:. D:.s abandon the use of the compasses altogether and opt for a multi-tasking receiving tool, a Leatherman tool for degree work, if you will , which combines functions required for all of his duties and allows him to open bottles, cut seat belts in an emergency, and remove lime buildup on cast iron bathtubs. Some of the nicer models will even light cigars in a pinch. Neat tools, and they’ve been around for a while, but they seem too “cute” for me, although I'm convinced that opinions will differ on this.

All of these implements, though, are invariably mislaid at one time or another, and sometimes their absence is only discovered at the last moment. In the few situations I’ve witnessed where the proper tool has been mislaid, I’ve seen pocket knives used on both occasions. We’re a rural lodge, after all, so we’ve enough cutlery in our pockets to amply supply the needs of both the Jets and the Sharks. I conducted a poll in this space in May of last year and the results confirmed my suspicions: 43% of respondents reported using the compasses in this manner, 27% reported using a receiving tool, and 20% said they used a dagger or knife. Since that poll, I’ve heard stories from other lodges where various sharp instruments have substituted satisfactorily including, car keys, a rod tip, ball point pens, bent paper clips, and a 10d nail.

For those lodges that are seeking to upgrade their Sharp Instrument inventory, the AVT staff has put together a brief buyer’s guide. Models shown here are selected for cost, utility and quality and receive a rating of between one (poor) and four(excellent) stars. Enjoy.

*** Degree work too hum-drum? Not to worry with the Jedi Model Receiving Tool from Ion Industries! Even though your man is hoodwinked, there’s no mistaking the insistent hum of a fully-actualized light saber singeing the hair off his chest. Powered by an ultra-efficient 1.1 million year half-life dual uranium core reactor, this receiving tool will still be conducting candidates long after your S:.D:. has received his 825 year pin. $79.95.


** If your candidate could see anything, he’d pee his pants on seeing the Viking Skull Dagger from Toledo Sword Co. A perfect gift for the S:. D:. who has everything! Constructed of the highest quality pot-metal and surmounted with a genuine petrified Viking skull (spurious) obtained from secret Viking graveyards guarded by Freemason warrior monks since antiquity, this unique blade is sure to be a hit at Lodge meetings and outlaw biker initiations everywhere. $21.95

*** Tired of surly candidates? The Klingon Butt-Kicker is the answer! Crafted from 11.5 kg of solid faux-dilithium 1990 Ford Fiesta suspension springs and featuring four points and seven razor sharp edges, this monster is not for the faint of heart. Available in one-hand or two-handed configurations, both models feature ultra-realistic “So Mote it Be” decals in both Romulan and Klingon and come standard with electrical tape grip and pre-ground serial numbers. $115.99.

**** No more waiting to get into the Shrine with the All the Way in One Day Model by Arrow. Durable high impact plastic and aluminum, this high power 125 shot nail gun enables even the slowest S:. D:. to reach out and touch multiple candidates without leaving the work line. With 14 amps of sizzling Masonic power, and a ten foot power cord, hours of degree work turn to minutes enabling you to get 'em in and get ‘em out to the Mini-Choppers in record time. Not available in CA, IA, NY, HI, or AK. $89.95